I Get It

My kids owe me.  Big time.  There are the little things like dinner and folded clothes and rides to and from everywhere.  Then the bigger things like midnight drinks of water, a safe home, hugs and kisses and kind words.  Add braces and ballet slippers and combing tangly hair and playing Monopoly on a Friday night and you can see how deeply they're in debt.

But they just can't pay it back.  It's not possible.  They don't have the capacity or even the comprehension of what it takes to raise a family.  They just don't get it.

And that's okay.  See I don't need the money back that I've spent feeding and clothing and protecting these babies.  I don't want it.  Here is what I do want.  I want them to have happy and obedient hearts.  I want them to see a sibling in need and offer to help.  I want them to love their brothers and sisters and their parents.

I'm in debt also, to a God above that has provided everything for me and continues to bless me. He sent His Son here to this earth for me and you and everyone else who will ever call this place home.  I'm oblivious and unaware of what it takes to sustain my life here on this earth.  I have no comprehension of the magnitude of His blessings.  I just can't grasp it, it's beyond my understanding.

And that's okay.  See, all He asks of me is to have a happy and obedient heart.  He wants me to notice when someone near me is in need and He wants me to help.  He expects me to be kind to my brothers and sisters even if (and maybe especially if) they are different from me.  It doesn't matter what we look like or how we see the world, we're all children of the same loving Father in Heaven.

I can never pay Him back but I can try to do my part, my small part.

The State of Things

I'm tired.  Not unheard of, I know.  But when you're the exhausted one it feels like you're the lone sufferer.  My days start early.  That's my own fault.  I like to get up and run and then get myself ready before the kids wake up.  That makes my days really long.  I like having a clean house so I work to make it that way.  Instead of hanging out on the couch I'm cleaning the toys out from underneath.  I don't like sitting and doing nothing, I'd rather be working on a project.  Even if that project is just throwing soccer balls onto the roof so that they bounce off for my kids to chase after.

I kept meaning to take a break today and do something unproductive before my classes start back up later this week but this morning the kids were playing so nicely together that I kept doing just one more project.  Then later this afternoon they were recreating all of the wars in the history of the world so I was kept busy refereeing.  I wanted to go to bed early but instead I consoled a heartbroken baby and then went to a committee meeting.

I hate being tired because not only does it mess with my energy level but it also colors my normal happy outlook on life.  I'm less able to deal with the constant demands of the family.  Serving the people that I love begins to feel like a prison sentence instead of the vocation that I willingly and gratefully chose.  I know that a good night's sleep will change my perspective.  I know that it's not a permanent state of being but right now it feels like the only way to fit everything in is to sacrifice my sleep time.  I know, it's stupid.  If one of my friends said the same thing to me I would do my best to convince them of the idiocy of their ways (in a kind and loving way, of course) but I guess maybe I just think that somehow I'm different.  Crazy.

So the moral of this whine is that none of us are special.  We all need to get adequate amounts of rest and we need to take care of ourselves.  I haven't figured out how to do that but don't the experts say that admitting that you have a problem is the first step?

Summer Fun

I realize that snow suits are on the store shelves and Christmas trees are at the local Hobby Lobby but around here it's still summer.  As in it's hot, the kids sleep in (sort of) and I don't have much gumption to tackle any major projects.

But just to prove to posterity (and my mom) that we're not completely lazy here ya go, part one of our summer in 7 pictures.

Yogurt really is just as messy as you'd think.

Imagine the dental floss.

Happy birthday to the baby!  Picture of her cake but not of her, what's wrong with that picture??

Houses that we can't afford (thank you student loans) but they're nice to look at!

Swimming with 5 kids is no joke.  It's an achievement man.

I've always wanted to play in a fountain but because I'm a grownup I'm the one telling the kids no while secretly thinking that fountain swimming would be super fun.

Proof that kids really are able to sleep anywhere.  It makes my neck hurt just looking at this picture.

Happy summer!

A Few Ideas

My Nathan used to tell people that his dad was 36 and his mom was 13.  The husband and I are actually only 5 years apart so I'll let you figure out which age was right.

Today I turned 23, Daddy hits 37 in a few months.  Again use your powers of deduction.

To celebrate my birthday I'd like to share a few of the presents that I would not turn down.

Exhibit A:

I'm definitely NOT one of those girls that would be offended if the husband walked in the door with a household cleaning tool.  At all.

Suggestion 2:

Having my very own table saw.  There really aren't words.  Except these:  power tools make me happy.  Very happy.

Idea 3:

Don't judge me when I tell you that I've never been to the ocean.  I know.  It's borderline criminal.  I blame my landlocked childhood.

The above have to wait until ASL* but that doesn't mean I didn't get the greatest present of all this year.  My better half hit an out of the park, over the bleachers, into the atmosphere home run.

1.  thoughtful
2.  original
3.  budget conscious
4.  perfect for me

It's a Silva Brothers Construction Company t- shirt.  It's awesome.  If you're a This Old House/ Tom Silva fan you get my excitement.

One last thing, if Tom showed up to help me with one of my million projects here's what I would do:  first, I would start to cry.  Second, I'd forget how to speak.  Third, I'd try and talk him into a whole house gut job.  Fourth, I would tell every single person that I met for the rest of my life that I had been in the same room as Tom Silva.  I'd get super annoying.

23 or 32 looks like it's full of possibility.  So happy birthday to myself and everyone else who shares my birthday.  Because August is awesome.

*ASL means After Student Loans.  We dream about that day.  I think it'll happen...

Postpartum Depression

When I was pregnant with baby number 4, I remember eating and just not caring about what would happen if I ate more than was healthy for me or the baby.  I was certain that the weight would just fall off after he was born and that life would just be fine.  I wasn’t worried about juggling 4 kids under the age of 5.  And I certainly wasn’t concerned about how I was going to feel as a mother.  After all, I had been through twins so one baby wasn’t going to be a problem.  

Turns out I was wrong and I wasn’t just a little wrong.  It was more like two years of living in a fog and feeling that I probably should care but I just couldn’t.  I knew that if I took better care of myself that I would feel better but it was too hard to do anything but sit on the couch.  I wanted to be a better wife but if felt like so much work.  I wanted to hate the fact that my house was a mess but having a clean house meant actually caring and I just couldn’t do that.

Before the baby was born I joined a gym.  It had 90 minutes of free daycare, each day and they seemed to be pretty good to the kids.  So 6 weeks after Nathan was born I loaded the kids up and we headed to the gym.  I signed them in and escaped from 9 to 10:30 every weekday morning.  For the next 2 years we went to the gym every day, Monday through Friday.  People would find out and they would say things like “wow, you are so dedicated, you must love to exercise”.  What I never told them was that while the exercise was fine, what I really cared about was that I didn’t have to be a mom for an hour and a half.  Doctors will tell you that exercise is one of the things that will help you to manage your symptoms of depression.  I’m convinced that if I hadn’t gone to the gym like I did, I’m pretty sure that we would have lost me or my children.  That little bit of exercise made it so that while I didn’t care about taking care of myself or my family or my home, at least I never did them or myself any harm.  

I kept going to the doctor and telling him that I just didn’t feel good.  I was tired and I wasn’t losing any baby weight.  I just didn’t feel like myself.  He diagnosed me with postpartum depression and prescribed medication to treat the problem.  I’m definitely not against pharmaceuticals but I kept saying “no, no, I’m fine” and “it’s just the weight, that’s the real problem”.  I never took the help that was offered.  Instead I went to a state of barely functioning.  My relationship with the man that I loved so much suffered.  I think we just went to our separate corners and simply existed.  He was working all the time and he wasn’t around.  I had 4 little kids, all 5 and under.  I couldn’t talk about what was happening because I didn’t really understand the problem.

Finally I was able to pull out of that awful place.  I don’t know what really made the change happen.  I think that it was a combination of lots of things.  Number one was probably time.  I also went from a state of knowing that I should do better but not caring to actually caring and being proactive about the problem.  I remembered why I loved my husband so much and I worked to be a better wife.  I tried to take better care of my body by being careful about the things that I put into it.  I made a consistent effort to nurture my spiritual health by reading my scriptures and praying and attending the temple.  

When I was pregnant with Maggie (number 5), I was terrified that I was going to go back to that place.  I didn’t want to put my family through that hell.  So I tried to stay active during my pregnancy.  I was careful about what I ate and what I read and what spent my free time doing.  I think that I was also aware of the possibility of the problem so I made sure to ask for and accept help.  After she was born I went through the normal new baby crazy.  You know where you never sleep and you hate your husband (sorry babes) and you’re not sure why you decided to become a mother?  But even with all that crazy I didn’t slide into that pit again.  

Here we are, ten months after she was born and I feel so good.  I think this is the best time of my life. I keep thinking that this is the absolute best that life has to offer and the next day I’m surprised all over again by something even more wonderful than the day before.  Sappy, but true.

PS-  My husband is such a great guy.  He’s never called it quits even during those crazy times.  He’s one of the good ones and I love him so much.  Also sappy, I’ll quit now.

It's my choice

I'm pulling out the soapbox for just a minute.  Pull up a chair and get ready.  Here goes:  life and motherhood and pretty much anything is what you make.  

Focusing on the screaming and the crying and the sheer drudgery of laundry/ dishes/ cooking for ungrateful people/ not sleeping more than 6 hours in a really long time just makes me cranky.  When I'm cranky my kids bug me, the husband pisses me off and the house is just too small and too dirty.  I can't live feeling like that.

I choose to not let the ever expanding mud-hole bother me (can someone explain the fascination with kids and mud).  I choose to find joy in the fact that I have a washing machine and a dryer and a dishwasher and the chance to be home with my kids all day, every day.  I choose to be grateful that I have food that I can put on the table.  I choose to look for what is good rather than pointing out the negative.

And sometimes I choose to take a walk ALL BY MYSELF when life gets to be too much.  Cereal is a perfectly balanced dinner and sometimes I've even been guilty of putting the kids to bed an hour or two before the usual time.

I look a little freaky but ignore me, LOOK AT THAT BABY!!

I'm a grownup so I get to choose for myself.

I choose joy.

That one night I tried to nurse a fiber filled product

One night I heard the baby crying.  So I got up.  Picked her up and latched her on.  Peace reigned again.

Then I heard Maggie crying.  From the other room.  

So what was it that I was cradling in my arms, trying to nurse?

A pillow.  A fluffy, non- human pillow.

Will someone please come sleep train my 5 month old baby?  I am so tired.

Hmmm....

The question last night at the dinner table, well the question that was asked after the usual "do I have to eat this?" and my personal favorite "this is yucky, why don't you make yummy food?" so after those were asked the way they are EVERY FREAKING NIGHT the question was this: am I happy because my life is good or is life good because I'm happy?

The husband thinks it's all in your attitude, if you have a positive take on things than life will be better.  I think it's a combination of both.  Attitude makes a HUGE difference but I also know that some of my happiness is based in situation.  Like the husband finally finishing school last weekend (ten years people, TEN YEARS) and job prospects and a warm home and of course the short people in my life.

So I don't know, what's your take on things?

Are you happy because life is good or is life good because you're happy?

Love you guys!

Life changing in the best way possible!

I'm so excited about today's post.  I mean a real kind of excited not the "yes, I love the picture you've drawn (that looks exactly the same as the previous zillion)".  Like "it's my birthday and someone else is making me dinner" excited.  That's what we're talking about here.

Have you heard of clicking?  It's life changing.  See the idea is that for every positive thought you have you give yourself a click.

Started the washing machine?  Click!

Said something nice to the screamer?  Click!

Was kind to myself?  Click!  Click!

You get the idea.  Click for the good in your life.  I don't understand the science behind it but I know I carry myself a little bit taller these days, I feel happier and I'm a bit more patient.  The only change has been carrying my little clicker around.

Now it's your turn.  Billion Clicks has offered my readers a special deal.  Go to www.billionclicks.org to order your very own Clicker Kit, for each Clicker Kit ordered you get a free clicker, wristband and sticker.  Just use the code KRISTEN958 when you order.

It's an easy way to turn the pre- adolescent drama into smiles.  So do I recommend it?  Definitely!  Go get yourself one!

love the miles

Billion Clicks has sponsored this post but I promise that the experience is mine and that I definitely, wholeheartedly and completely stand by this amazing concept.

Scared. For real

Goblins?  Whatever.  Vampires?  Not even.  Zombies? Ha!

You wanna talk scary?  Let's talk about a baby with an ear infection.  Oh is that not enough for you?  Let's add in a kid with strep throat.  Still not there?  What about at the same time?

Ya, I thought so.  That's scary stuff.

I'm sure we're all familiar with the "bubble gum medicine", professionals call it Amoxicillin but whatever.  So here's how you keep your brain straight when you have multiple children on meds.

See those tally marks on the side?  Every mark means a dose has been given.  Now you don't have to try and remember if baby got her two a day and big bro got his evening dose.  It's on the bottle.

Thanks to modern medicine everyone is now healthy, the pink stuff has been finished and we can move on to important things like begging our neighbors for candy.

Happy Halloween!

love the miles

No Photoshop Necessary

I'm thinking Christmas card.  After all this is what our family really looks like.  Scraggly hair, interesting pants/ shorts combos and fearless rail surfing.

At least no one is screaming...

love the miles

Stickers and Sisters

I keep trying to think of something witty to say but this picture is just turning my brains to mush.

Maggie just hit the big 3 month mark.  She weighs a giant 11 pounds.  Okay not giant at all, her doctor calls her "petite" but she is getting close to doubling her birth weight and I swear I saw the beginnings of a dimple.  Jennie (and Grant) turned 7 a few weeks ago.  It blows my mind.  Of course I forgot to take pictures of the birthday cakes, presents and even the actual birthday subjects.  And I call myself a mom...

In case you were wondering, those are stickers covering my baby.  But before you judge let me tell you that they were letter stickers and Nathan was practicing his spelling.  Helpless baby sisters make excellent subjects.

Have a happy Tuesday, Mags insists that you do.

love the miles

What's in a name?

Happy Monday morning, well actually right now it's Sunday night and I'm watching Game 4 of the World Series (go Cards!) but I'm multi tasking and writing while watching but you won't see this till morning and now I'm going to end the longest sentence I've ever written.

You're looking at a brand new blog. Okay, just a new title.  My funny to usually only me sense of humor is still the same. My children will never look in the same direction when the camera is out. So business as usual.

When I started this blog the name eightmanymiles made sense to me and it still does but it felt a little long winded and I felt weird explaining the reasons behind the name. So here we are, lovethemiles.com  Explanation included.

1. Love, the Miles. We're the Miles family, so you know, we love you.

2. love the miles. I like to run, so love the miles. Because they're awesome man.

3. love the Miles.  We're nice people so you should love us. It makes us happy.

There you go, I've explained the name,  I've used the word "so" approximately a zillion times and now I'm going to go back to watching the ball game.  Did you guys know that I love baseball? Love it! But I love it more when the D-Backs are playing, maybe next year.

love the miles

Daily Five

I've been keeping the postpartum depression at bay this time around and here are a few of the reasons why. 

1. Exercise.  I had this idea at the beginning of September.  I was going to exercise every single day for the whole month.  Beginning to end.  I figured it would be a good way to get back on track and start feeling like myself again.  I think I made it through the first four days.  Then I fell off the wagon.  And now we're back to the usual 4-6 days a week, not bad but not 30 days straight.  I run (very slowly), I lift weights (little bitty tiny ones) and I've started practicing yoga again (sort of).  It makes me feel good and keeps me happy and gives me the illusion that someday I will have abs of steel.
2. Read my scriptures and pray.  I'm working on the Book of Mormon these days.  I'm also praying for more patience.  Of course every one knows that when you pray for patience God laughs and makes your kids dance on your last nerve.  Maybe I should leave the P word out of things.
3. One meaningful project.  You know how you clean your house and then the kids get home from school and it looks like a bomb went off?  At least mine does, so meaningful project does not mean the regularly scheduled shoveling out.  The definition of meaningful project is A: must be completed start to finish in under 10 minutes and 2: it has to be something above and beyond regular home maintenance.  For example: organizing my shoes, cleaning the top of the fridge, dusting the dryer.  You can see how high the bar is set around here but organize your shoes and then tell me you don't get a little thrill every time you see them nicely in a row.  No really, someone back me up on this so I don't feel like such a weirdo.
4. Eat healthy.  Cookies for lunch, bad.  Soup and a sandwich, good.  Cheese nachos for a morning snack, very bad.  Hummus and veggies, very good.  You get the idea.  Eat healthy you feel good.  Opposite, feel bad.
5. Get enough sleep.  That means not too much and not too little.  My baby laughs at this.  She thinks it's hilarious when I tell her that people actually sleep all through the night without any milk refills.  But I remember that when I used to get enough sleep I felt much better.  I also remember that if I took a super long nap then I'd feel kinda worthless for the rest of the day. Someday I'll give too much sleep another shot just to see if I'm remembering it correctly but for now I can testify that not getting enough sleep makes it hard to function.

So to review.  Exercise: check.  Reading my scriptures and praying: 75% check.  One meaningful project: check.  Eating healthy: 50/50 check.  Sleep: not even but a girl can hope.

Aunt Sandra

She's coming home today!  My baby sister, who's totally not even a baby anymore, is coming home from a year and a half in Russia.

She's been teaching the people in Russia about Christ and how families can be together forever.

I've missed her pretty face.

Surviving Sunday

We had a special church meeting today.  Three hours long.  Normally you can find us Mormons in church every Sunday for three hours, that's not the out of the ordinary part.  Usually that looooong stretch of time is divided into 3 different parts.  That means moving around and changes of scenery and different teachers who usually aren't your parents.  You know, things to make life better.

Can you imagine her saying "no more church please, you're killing me!"  Or maybe I'm projecting...

Today it was three hours.  In the same room.  With the same boring parents and the same boring (to the short people) broadcast.

But the husband and I aren't rookies so we had a plan.

Sort of.

It involved lots of paper, pencils, blank address labels and some bribery in the form of food.  We also took a walk around the building around the first hour and made several trips to the drinking fountain.  Oh and don't forget the "pick your battles" talk the grownups memorized.  It goes something like this.

Yes Grant is sitting in the windowsill.  That's okay, it's not like there's a line for it.  Oh and look at Anna, she's helping Nathan fill in the address labels and then sticking them on his shirt.  At least they're not putting them on the walls.  Jennie has had about a pound of cranberries and still wants more.  They're supposed to be good for your bladder right?

I'm pretty sure that all parents who make it through long meetings with their offspring are getting a fast pass to heaven.

We deserve it.

2:36 AM

I sat straight up in bed, my heart was racing and I just knew something was wrong.  I hadn't heard from the baby in a while.  As I ran into Maggie's room I checked the time.  2:36.  Babies don't sleep that long.  I listened for sounds of her breathing and grunting and generally making noise.

The girl is a noisy sleeper, that's why she's had her own room since she came home from the hospital, but now her room was silent.  I put my hand on her to feel movement, nothing.  So I wiggled her around a bit and she started grunting.  Finally I could breathe again.  I went back to bed where I laid down and tried to relax.  About ten minutes later Maggie started crying, probably because I woke her up.  This time when I went back to her room I turned on the lamp and looked over at her crib.

She was on her belly with her face pressed into the mattress.  That's when I really started to lose it.  I'm not sure how a 6 week old baby who was swaddled tightly managed to roll from her back all the way to the front.  I don't know if when I put her to bed I put her on her side and she somehow rolled over.  I just don't know what happened.

I do know that Someone was watching over my baby.  It was Divine intervention, I'm sure of it.  Whoever or whatever it was that woke me from a sound sleep, thank you.  Thanks for watching over my girl.  We'd be lost without her.

*don't worry, I laid Maggie down while I changed my shirt (that she vomited on) and that's when I snapped the above pic, I didn't leave her laying like that, I promise

Wednesday Afternoon

3:00 double check all bags to be sure there are cleats/ shin guards/ ballet shoes/ etc.
3:15 load Suburban with crying baby (because you've rudely interrupted her nap) and talkative preschooler and nine million sports bags and snacks/ dinner
3:25 re-buckle preschooler because he had to go to the bathroom one more time, hey, better now than while waiting in traffic
3:27 comfort inconsolable baby but know that it's probably a lost cause, poor girl
3:40 drive two blocks to wait for the always late bus but you're being optimistic that it just might be on time today
3:50 no such luck, late again, load three older kids, ask questions about school, deflect any TV requests with "we'll see, maybe later", translation: dream on kid
4:03 late for ballet again, yay us (sarcastic yay), maybe next week
5:15 on time to first soccer practice (sincere yay)
6:30 hand off two kids to the husband, he's off to second soccer practice
6:45 home with three kids, shower for the oldest, bed for the preschooler and a marathon nursing session with the baby
7:30 two kids home, backpack sorting begins, gathering of all the smelly clothes happens, kids shower and go to bed
8:00 pack lunches (normally the kids do it but it's easier to have mom do it tonight), clean kitchen (sort of), hope that listening to an audio book in the car counts as 20 minutes of reading (it should...), listen to baby cry while the best dad in the world does his best to comfort her

The End

Time Flies

Somehow I had two babies at the same time (oh my word!) and I managed to feed and change them and generally survive the chaos.   I think I was younger back then.

circa 2006

They grew up and now they feed and dress themselves and definitely create large doses of chaos.  They still make me tired.

just last week

Obviously our family is just not capable of taking family pictures where everyone is A: smiling, B: looking at the camera or C: sitting up straight.  I think that needs to be our next family project...

2011...  I think

This picture makes me happy.  I love my kids, LOVE THEM!

july 2013

Happy Tuesday!

Love, Kristen

Three Things

1. I am confused about something happening in the distance.
2. Nathan requires hands on guidance during pictures.
3. Polka dots there wishes Grant would move out of her way and that leggings will never go out of style.

1. Maggie is actually screaming her head off.
2. Nathan can't smile his usual sweet smile in a picture, instead it must be a "crazy" smile.  His words, not mine.
3. Grant is now old enough to restrain his brother during endless family pictures.

1. If you cry long enough you will eventually fall asleep on the couch.
2. Sometimes Anna is kind enough to let her younger siblings borrow her stuffed animals.
3. Yes, he is giving all of us the middle finger.  Interpret that how you want.